I think over the last 2 days of rhythm I have come to remember that my children are not puppets they are heartbeats-- sometimes rhythm doesn't go as "planned" and that is okay.
Tuesday is now deemed as errand day on our weekly rhythm-- it's where we may find ourselves in the car for really what may be the only time during the week-- we might have a outside activity that we drive to, but errand day is strictly business... we get it done and get back home.
Some weeks on Tuesday we will only be needing to run to the chiropractor and back again and some days its more extensive than that. This week was a more extensive Tuesday of errands, but the boys handled it great and were champions about it all. We still found a snack at the right moment and outdoor play with great friends. So in short it was fun.
I talk about this day in particular because just like our kids are heartbeats and not puppets so are we as moms and parents. We have to understand Grace to understand a beautiful mechanism of give and take. And sometimes in these graceful moments we can find ourselves letting go and plowing through a boundary of an anxiety of our own.
I usually have a rule about errands... get them done as quick as you can and if you have to be out and about for a long period of time then make sure you are home no later than 4pm. It gives you a chance to regroup and settle in for a normal sit down meal.
This Tuesday did not look like that at all. We arrived home late, and the boys needed to run and get their legs going and their little brains working. (Remember preschool age children learn through movement at this stage of life- so it's not the time for all day car riding every day;) But it happens... and this was one of those days.) The sun was definitely going down rather quickly with temperatures dropping and rain clouds looming. I knew what was about to happen. "mom can we go outside and play in the dark" -- ??
my response in my brain was: "absolutely not. it's cold about to down-pour rain and it's dark-- we are way off rhythm - absolutely no. get in the bath tub now."
HOWEVER,
My response in my heart was quite different... "yes absolutely, we are throwing it all to the wind for 30 minutes -- run your hearts out little babies, it's not every night we get to play in the dark and the cold and the rain."
For me, many moments parenting the way I want and the way I actually do are often times 2 different things. It's a key component in how I make decisions per second. In this case and in 95% of the other cases -- I go with my heart. Sometimes your heart will tell you "nope we are going inside and that's that" but often times it's calling us to loosen the reigns and trust in something much larger than us. It's hard because we as parent's I believe are still being parented as well... at least if we are open to that notion.
What I'm say is in reality, I cannot talk about my home and my rhythm without talking about hearing from something greater than myself in life's little moments of struggle. For a parent these moments are many. But I have a secret about our lives that takes the edge off... It gets us to the "heart-making" moments much faster. We parent in the Spirit.
And no I don't mean some mythological creature when I say spirit.
I mean that in our home and in our little 4 person family we are followers of Christ, and We believe that the Holy Spirit still moves and is authentically speaking into our lives. We believe in the Gospel of grace (even when it means a little grace for ourselves) and that the radical gospel of grace can set you free. Free not as in religion, but free as in product of selfless love poured out over us. We don't do religion in our home. We live on the shoulders of Christ who totally allowed himself to massacred for our sin as he became it on the cross, so that we could be great, free and righteous.
So when I made the decision tonight to let my babes run in the dark in the back yard in the cold night's air -- I didn't make that decision in my head- I heard it in the spirit and I knew that letting go was okay and that outside of my big failing rhythm of the day they needed this. But I came to find out I did as well...
As we journeyed back inside and their little muddy shoes happily glided over my off white wool rug, I had no idea it was only just for a second.
I came in fixed the goodnight snack thinking- "ah yes we are headed to the bath tub and every one is back on track..."
The boy's finished snack and Mr. K (age 3) or (K-man as I sometimes like to call him here) looks back frantically from the stairs-- "momma we forgot to make me like super man today... we need to get our capes!" -- I'm like Oh Lord I was so close to the bathtub. What are we doing now?
"K-man it's time for our baths buddy lets go--"
"momma here's my cape, here's yours, and here's Mr. E's (age 22 months)!"
"Now lets go run back out side, he said merrily".
My heart sank. Now usually this is not the way things go- but the Lord had a hold of my heart and I knew something was going on more than what would ever meet my eye.
I could remember that when I was pregnant with K-man a resounding word that faithful women in my life would pray over me was that "there would be wide open spaces and then there would be all the places K-man would go".
I clipped every ones little capes on and walked to the door. We opened it and the cold air rushed over my tired anxious skin-- "let's go mommy, we have to run".
Within seconds of us all still standing at the door, down came the rain. and Down CAME the rain. E-man, who like me, does not like cold rain, clasp his hands over his head with dread and yelled hopelessly "rain!!"
Mr. K looked back at me and smiled, "momma run with me in the rain". My heart sank again- (I don't even enjoy walking in the rain in Paris let alone in our backyard.)
I said "I can't, you are much braver than mommy, I just can't, mommy doesn't like the cold or the rain" and so the rain poured down harder-- he looked back and said one very mature word: "come".
I closed my eyes and prayed "Jesus please save my sanity" and I ran as hard as I could screaming the whole way to the middle of the yard, K-man by my side. Mr. E, not wanting to be alone back at the door, ran screaming behind us.
I grabbed each of their little hands and we jumped, laughed and squealed in the rain. I didn't need perfect rhythm -- I was exercising my freedom to live in the moment and my kids needed to see that.
They needed to see me run... in the cold rain. They knew that I didn't want to - but I decided to let go of my heart and my mind in front of them.
I know that right there in the middle of our little yard, something broke out of heart and got more free.
It may have been the most failed moment of textbook rhythm, but it was the greatest moment of our lives's rhythm.
And a reminder that I'm still the girl who loves Jesus with reckless abandonment, tattoos, dread locked hair, sun kissed skin, and the unexpected call to freedom and how to still answer it.
My kids needed to see that in me and I gave it.
I'm free. and K-man is a super hero.
enjoy the moments. they may not always be planned. but they are purposeful...they are wild. they are not between all the perfect lines.
be free. for them. for you.
